The coding has finished and we need to test – should we be talking to you now?
I know you were expecting the code today, but when do you really need it?
Can you please stop raising defects as we don’t have time to fix that many problems?
We have only got half the time we thought we had for testing so how are you going to get all of your work done?
We know the quality is bad, but we are releasing anyway?
UAT has been dropped because the business can’t free any resources.
The fact that this problem was fixed in an earlier release is not indicative of poor configuration management.
Why do we need developers, support and environment resources to work the weekend as well as testers?
The environment is nearly the same as live, we just don’t know how nearly!
Testing is supposed to make the software perfect. Why hasn’t it worked?
We have spent 20% of our budget on analysis, 60% on design and development and 10% on other items. You have 10% left, what can you do for us?
We are running out of money because the test execution is taking too long, so we are going to let the testers go and the developers can finish the job.
Don’t worry about getting testers. We have lots of people in the business that we can get to test at lunchtimes.
The supplier was not asked to perform Unit testing and we can’t afford to have it done now as it was not in the budget.
Testing is a service and as such we will let you know when we need you.
I know you asked for three environments, but we can only get one. Don’t worry. I am sure everyone can get on it at the same time.
The testing is occurring on the development environment. That way the developers can change things whenever they need to.
The problems in live are fixed out of hours so we can’t test them.
If we automate all of the testing how much time will it save us?
Why do we need testers on board before the testing starts?
The user spilt coffee on their system and it crashed. I bet you didn’t test for that did you?
We have too many high severity defects, so we are going to hold a meeting and see how many we can downgrade?
We need to do some performance testing. There are no non-functional requirements, so let’s just assume that everything must happen in under a second.
Testing is easy. Anyone can do it.
It’s not a bug. It’s a design feature.
The requirements were captured at the start of the project. But don’t read that it’s way out of date.
Please feel free to add your own by way of comments.